After trying about 15 times throughout this wrecked economy to refinance my house with my bank only to be turned away because I can pay my bills I gave up. I didn't think they could do anything to top the insanity of refinancing only the unemployed and the people who are in over their head.
Today, I found out I was wrong.
Actually, this story goes back to December of 2009. That's apparently when Bank of America decided to merge the Countrywide system into theirs. About mid-month I logged in to check my account and make sure everything was okay. It's a good thing I did because the system told me I had no auto-pay and today was the last day to make a payment without incurring a late fee.
Fast forward about a week and I go to the bank to pull out some cash for Christmas presents. The bank tells me I can have the $100.00 if I am willing to pay $36.00 in fees since I have no money in the account.
WTF is that all about? Hell, my made-friend Luigi the Fish only charges $25.00 and the government gets on him for loan sharking. I tell the bank to pack sand and pull up my account to find THAT BofA DID AN AUTOPAY ON ME IN ADDITION TO THE PAYMENT I MADE MANUALLY!
I noticed that the next due date was 2/1/2010. Being the holiday season when everyone's busy and full of good-cheer, I wrote it off knowing that I can skip next months payment and the invisible auto-pay will pick up in February and we'll all be good.
Wrong. The Invisible auto-pay picked up in January again bringing my account close to the big Donut. Fortunately I see that all of my bills for the month seem to have been paid. I can hold out until next week when I get paid again from work.... wait, what's that? Wonderful... My Child Support Check is still outstanding and there isn't enough to cover it.
Of all the things to be pending. I would rather have a Pending Colonoscopy with a nail ridden broomstick performed by a doctor who is so shakey that people with Parkenson's tell him to relax.
Most people get divorced because they can't stand each other. We got divorced because she's a slop-lipped spawn of satan and they don't allow marriages to satan's children in Georgia. It's worse than Gay marriage apparently.... Something about the pointy tail.
So I have to deal with this. I log into my BofA account, pull up the Contact information and make the call. I get the fancy automated message that lets you talk to it. Of course when you talk to it, no matter how hard you try, you still sound stupid.
They nice unreal lady asks me what I am calling about. So I respond "You fucked up the auto-pay on my Mortgage." Apparently that's not on the menu. My next option was "Representative" which it accepted and, to make things "faster" for me they were going to collect some information. "Do you have your Account Number?" Of course I do, I'm logged into the system so I say "Yes". "Please Say your account number.." Oh fuck... apparently I DON'T HAVE IT. All I see is the last four digits. "Dammit, I thought I had it but I don't". (No, that's not in there either). BofA Automated-Lady will accept my social security number and Zip Code which is enough to get me where I need to go.
So I hold for about 5 minutes. Not bad for the middle of the day. I get a relatively nice representative on the phone as well. I explain what happened and she tells me I'll need to wait until the payment clears then fax all the information over to the "Payment Research Department" who evidently only have a fax number. No problem, it's cleared already, I pull out the details and print them ready to fax.
Then I ask her where in the system I can modify the auto-pay to maybe skip a month or something. I can't. I have to call them to do it. Either that or I have an eternal automated payment setup that I'll never be able to see. Not only that but they don't have any plans on putting it in there. I suspect because the money is in another bank and they want the business but the inconvenience is making me think the flow is going to go in the opposite direction.
OK, then cancel the payment and all future payments. That takes like 5 seconds. (Although I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt that it's actually complete. I won't know until February).
Then I ask if she cancelled the auto-pay on the Home Equity Loan as well. She hasn't and needs the account number to pull that one up. Fine, where in this remarkable new system can I find the account number for this account? "You can't. It only shows the last four digits."
How confident is BofA in their new system that they cannot show you the damn account numbers of the accounts you have with them after you log in through their secure portal? Luckily I still had the Social Security number to fall back on.
So this "New System" has a hidden auto-pay section that I apparently will not ever be able to access. It's also not secure enough to show me the actual account numbers of my accounts. What a fucking upgrade.
Where the hell did all of this bail out/stimulus money go? No, let's just stop here before the Aneurism kicks. I really don't care if it all ends up funding the Obama Presidential Library.
07 January 2010
15 September 2009
Adios Swayze
It's been a hard battle but RIP knowing you earned me 10 points in the Celebrity Dead-Pool. In your memory I composed this little piece.
In ’52 was Swayze born
A child one of five.
He met his wife in ‘70
14, too young to drive.
In ’75 they did wed,
In ’82 his father dead,
To the bottle he did turn.
In ’94 his sister died…
An OD from which he learned.
Lots of movies he did make.
Ghost, Road House and Point Break.
Dirty Dancing and Red Dawn
But Fatherhood made me yawn.
Then in ’08 pancreatic cancer
Afflicted this old dirty dancer
He continued to smoke , lost some liver
And some stomach (just a sliver)
Next Year (’09 )by no chance,
He retired to the ranch.
In September Autumn came…
The cancer proved too much to tame.
Bless his heart, he gave in…
And I received more points (yes 10!)
In ’52 was Swayze born
A child one of five.
He met his wife in ‘70
14, too young to drive.
In ’75 they did wed,
In ’82 his father dead,
To the bottle he did turn.
In ’94 his sister died…
An OD from which he learned.
Lots of movies he did make.
Ghost, Road House and Point Break.
Dirty Dancing and Red Dawn
But Fatherhood made me yawn.
Then in ’08 pancreatic cancer
Afflicted this old dirty dancer
He continued to smoke , lost some liver
And some stomach (just a sliver)
Next Year (’09 )by no chance,
He retired to the ranch.
In September Autumn came…
The cancer proved too much to tame.
Bless his heart, he gave in…
And I received more points (yes 10!)
30 April 2009
At the bank trying to Refinance.
How many people are going through at least a piece of this scenario below?
Scum Banker: “No, you cannot refinance. Your credit score is too low.”
Living the American Dream: “Yes and it’s going to get a lot lower if you don’t refinance and drop my monthly payment.”
Scum Banker:“I’m sorry, even if your credit was perfect we couldn’t refinance you because you don’t have enough equity in your home.”
Living the American Dream: “So you’re saying that you essentially won’t refinance the amount I owe because I don’t have enough equity even though I didn’t have ANY equity when you gave me the loan in the beginning?”
Scum Banker: “Yes. You see, we COULD refinance you but you would need Mortgage Insurance since you don’t have 20% Equity. The PMI will actually increase your monthly payment despite the drop in the Interest Rate.”
Living the American Dream: “But if I don’t have it on my current loan then why will I need it on my new loan.”
Scum Banker: “That’s to protect us in case you default.”
Living the American Dream: “But didn’t we just bail you out from everyone defaulting? Didn’t the government back your loans? Aren’t you still on the hook from me for the same amount now WITHOUT PMI?”
Scum Banker: “Yes. But that’s the rule and I’m sorry it’s not flexible. If you will excuse me I must get to an appointment. I’m having my Mercedes that I received as a Bonus from the Bank pimped out with pinstriping on the back that says $timulu$. You should come back next week and check it out. It’s going to be Money. It’s the 600 in the parking lot that with the License Plate that reads PMI MAN!”
Living the American Dream: “Really? Thanks for the invite I’ll be sure to swing by next week and check it out. I need to swing by Home Depot next week and pick up a Sledgehammer on Wednesday. Will it be back from the shop by then?”
Scum Banker: “It will! Come on in and I’ll give you a test ride if you like. Hey, would you be interested in opening a Money Market with us today? The Interest rate is 0.000000000000001 % which is above industry average and it comes with a free Koozie that says I Heart My Banker!”
Living the American Dream: “No, I’m going to have to pay for this Sledge Hammer to be engraved with I Kill My Banker and that is going to eat through some of my cash. See you Wednesday!”
Scum Banker: “No, you cannot refinance. Your credit score is too low.”
Living the American Dream: “Yes and it’s going to get a lot lower if you don’t refinance and drop my monthly payment.”
Scum Banker:“I’m sorry, even if your credit was perfect we couldn’t refinance you because you don’t have enough equity in your home.”
Living the American Dream: “So you’re saying that you essentially won’t refinance the amount I owe because I don’t have enough equity even though I didn’t have ANY equity when you gave me the loan in the beginning?”
Scum Banker: “Yes. You see, we COULD refinance you but you would need Mortgage Insurance since you don’t have 20% Equity. The PMI will actually increase your monthly payment despite the drop in the Interest Rate.”
Living the American Dream: “But if I don’t have it on my current loan then why will I need it on my new loan.”
Scum Banker: “That’s to protect us in case you default.”
Living the American Dream: “But didn’t we just bail you out from everyone defaulting? Didn’t the government back your loans? Aren’t you still on the hook from me for the same amount now WITHOUT PMI?”
Scum Banker: “Yes. But that’s the rule and I’m sorry it’s not flexible. If you will excuse me I must get to an appointment. I’m having my Mercedes that I received as a Bonus from the Bank pimped out with pinstriping on the back that says $timulu$. You should come back next week and check it out. It’s going to be Money. It’s the 600 in the parking lot that with the License Plate that reads PMI MAN!”
Living the American Dream: “Really? Thanks for the invite I’ll be sure to swing by next week and check it out. I need to swing by Home Depot next week and pick up a Sledgehammer on Wednesday. Will it be back from the shop by then?”
Scum Banker: “It will! Come on in and I’ll give you a test ride if you like. Hey, would you be interested in opening a Money Market with us today? The Interest rate is 0.000000000000001 % which is above industry average and it comes with a free Koozie that says I Heart My Banker!”
Living the American Dream: “No, I’m going to have to pay for this Sledge Hammer to be engraved with I Kill My Banker and that is going to eat through some of my cash. See you Wednesday!”
19 March 2009
Letter to Buddha
Dear Buddha,
Kuhn here. Hope the diet is going well. I’m sure you are tired of people rubbing your belly. I know you preach that Nirvana can only be reached when you cease to want. I try my fat friend, I really try. Unfortunately, I have run into a hurdle that I am afraid I cannot overcome.
You see, we’ve been working on this cutover for about two years and are wrapping up the first month of “post-cut Cleanup”. There are a lot of issues and a lot of things to keep track of. Lots to do. We’ll get it knocked out, it just takes time. “So what is the want?” you ask. Well, I’ll tell you. As I sat here this morning, virtual waterfall in my head, I start working 4 separate issues. People coming in and out asking for shitand generally making me fucking irritated. What pushed me over the edge though and caused me to seek your guidance was the mother fucking Payroll lady coming by asking for my time-sheet.
God dammit (no offense) I’m fucking salary. You can’t ding me for shit anyway lady so what the fuck good is it? I could get up right now and walk out the door and you would *STILL* have to pay me for the full 8 hours. “Get to the point tourettes.” You say? Here’s my want. There are actually Several to choose from I just need one though:
I await your guidance and delivery most rotund One. Like Steve Perry from Journey I remain,
Faithfully,
G. Warren Kuhn.
Kuhn here. Hope the diet is going well. I’m sure you are tired of people rubbing your belly. I know you preach that Nirvana can only be reached when you cease to want. I try my fat friend, I really try. Unfortunately, I have run into a hurdle that I am afraid I cannot overcome.
You see, we’ve been working on this cutover for about two years and are wrapping up the first month of “post-cut Cleanup”. There are a lot of issues and a lot of things to keep track of. Lots to do. We’ll get it knocked out, it just takes time. “So what is the want?” you ask. Well, I’ll tell you. As I sat here this morning, virtual waterfall in my head, I start working 4 separate issues. People coming in and out asking for shitand generally making me fucking irritated. What pushed me over the edge though and caused me to seek your guidance was the mother fucking Payroll lady coming by asking for my time-sheet.
God dammit (no offense) I’m fucking salary. You can’t ding me for shit anyway lady so what the fuck good is it? I could get up right now and walk out the door and you would *STILL* have to pay me for the full 8 hours. “Get to the point tourettes.” You say? Here’s my want. There are actually Several to choose from I just need one though:
- Make my life as simple as this simple person’s. I won’t nag and nag about a useless piece of paper like she does. I’ll just hang out doing the simple things. Perhaps I’ll take up fishing or building my own rock garden. Who knows.
- Kill this fucking lady. Apparently you cannot explain to her the irrelevance of time sheets for Salaried people. Throw a fucking lightning bolt at her, perhaps a flood takes her away on the drive home, an Earthquake would do the job nicely too. Dead Flaming Fish falling from the sky would really make me happy.
- Make her life so fucking complex that she takes her own life. Give her half of what I am working on and it should be sufficient. If possible keep the flaming fish though. I think it would be cool.
I await your guidance and delivery most rotund One. Like Steve Perry from Journey I remain,
Faithfully,
G. Warren Kuhn.
15 January 2009
America's Most Wanted
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,480003,00.html
Calling all Cars... be on the lookout for a 45 pound monkey. Don't make him angry or he'll fling poo at you.
So, When he gets Mad, does he shit on demand or must he carry a bag of ammunition with him?
If he runs out of poop does he start shooting other body products?
Monkeys are good stuff.
Calling all Cars... be on the lookout for a 45 pound monkey. Don't make him angry or he'll fling poo at you.
So, When he gets Mad, does he shit on demand or must he carry a bag of ammunition with him?
If he runs out of poop does he start shooting other body products?
Monkeys are good stuff.
Jesus Tapdancing Christ!
The President of the company where I work has been delivering Daily Devotionals to the entire company via e-mail. Since I am in fact an Ordained Reverend I thought "What the Fuck, I'll throw one of my favorites in." So, imagine the response of someone who is searching for "Ecclesiates" and comes across this site.
I'm not a Jesus Freak, just a plain freak. I go to church for Weddings and Funerals and with my recent divorce revealing the farce of Marriage, I'm not attending Weddings. So, just Funerals.
Enjoy.
Ecclesiastes 1
Everything Is Meaningless
1 The words of the Teacher, son of David, king in Jerusalem:
2 "Meaningless! Meaningless!" says the Teacher. "Utterly meaningless! Everything is Meaningless."
3 What does man gain from all his labor at which he toils under the sun?
4 Generations come and generations go, but the earth remains forever.
5 The sun rises and the sun sets, and hurries back to where it rises.
6 The wind blows to the south and turns to the north; round and round it goes, ever returning on its course.
7 All streams flow into the sea, yet the sea is never full. To the place the streams come from, there they return again.
8 All things are wearisome, more than one can say. The eye never has enough of seeing, nor the ear its fill of hearing.
9 What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun.
10 Is there anything of which one can say, "Look! This is something new"? It was here already, long ago; it was here before our time.
11 There is no remembrance of men of old, and even those who are yet to come will not be remembered by those who follow.
I'm not a Jesus Freak, just a plain freak. I go to church for Weddings and Funerals and with my recent divorce revealing the farce of Marriage, I'm not attending Weddings. So, just Funerals.
Enjoy.
Ecclesiastes 1
Everything Is Meaningless
1 The words of the Teacher, son of David, king in Jerusalem:
2 "Meaningless! Meaningless!" says the Teacher. "Utterly meaningless! Everything is Meaningless."
3 What does man gain from all his labor at which he toils under the sun?
4 Generations come and generations go, but the earth remains forever.
5 The sun rises and the sun sets, and hurries back to where it rises.
6 The wind blows to the south and turns to the north; round and round it goes, ever returning on its course.
7 All streams flow into the sea, yet the sea is never full. To the place the streams come from, there they return again.
8 All things are wearisome, more than one can say. The eye never has enough of seeing, nor the ear its fill of hearing.
9 What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun.
10 Is there anything of which one can say, "Look! This is something new"? It was here already, long ago; it was here before our time.
11 There is no remembrance of men of old, and even those who are yet to come will not be remembered by those who follow.
14 January 2009
This is Torture?
So I read this article about the Bush Administration confirming an act of torture and I'm expecting to get some good details. You can read the article above but I'll give you the synopsis right here:
Susan Crawford refused to refer Mohammad Al-Qahtani for prosecution because he was tortured. She went on to say that she is convinced he would have been the 20th Hijacker on 9/11 had he been able to get into the country.
So, I run down my list of tortures and wonder what he got:
Bamboo under the Fingernails.
The Rack
Repeated insertion of a Catheter
Electric Shock
Knee Capping
Forced Dookie Extraction with Salad Spoons
Then I find, to my surprise, that NONE of these were performed. Here's what they did to him:
Sustained Isolation
Sleep Deprivation
Nudity
Prolonged Exposure to Cold
That's not torture. That's my life! If I'm home alone (Isolated) I'll stay up late naked. I've been known to keep the heat off and/or turn the AC down as well. I cannot believe that is considered torture BY THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION! Bush is supposed to be the one that questions whether Castration is Torture! If I find out waterboarding involved a trip to the beach and a skim board then I'm going to convert to Islam and blow something up. I'd love to "Waterboard Naked" then reap the benefits of being "tortured".
What makes it even worse is that Ms. Crawford firmly believes that this person is a terrorist but we cannot prosecute because he was "Tortured". If that's going to be the case then why don't we just Torture the guy to the point of Death. Then we won't need the trial, problem solved.
I know, there's a lot of tender people out there who think I'm off my rocker and they're right, I am. But you know what? I wouldn't be stuck with the dilemma of having a terrorist I cannot prosecute but also cannot release in good conscience because he is in fact determined to attack this country.
So if you are the President and are sworn to protect the country what do you do? Guantanamo looks like the only option short of killing them where you found them.
I'm going to close with another thing that pisses me off about Arabs. OK, you've got your own alphabet and script, that's fine. You guys, the Chinese, the Koreans, the people who play Dungeons and Dragons are welcome to any alphabet you want. Do me a favor though: When you convert to something the Western world can read, FOLLOW THE FUCKING GRAMMAR RULES. Over here, if there's a Q then it's followed with a U That means Mohammad Al-Qahtani Either needs to be Al-Kahtani or Al-Quatahni. Just like Al-Qaeda is either Al-Kaeda or Al-Quaeda. You're just doing it to piss us off. Why don't you be like the Asians and completely westernize for us. Instead of Jiang Chow Dhang he goes by Joe Dang. See.... We like him, buy lots of stuff from his country and all because he was accomodating. Give a little, get a little. Fuck, these people are driving me Qrazy.
Susan Crawford refused to refer Mohammad Al-Qahtani for prosecution because he was tortured. She went on to say that she is convinced he would have been the 20th Hijacker on 9/11 had he been able to get into the country.
So, I run down my list of tortures and wonder what he got:
Bamboo under the Fingernails.
The Rack
Repeated insertion of a Catheter
Electric Shock
Knee Capping
Forced Dookie Extraction with Salad Spoons
Then I find, to my surprise, that NONE of these were performed. Here's what they did to him:
Sustained Isolation
Sleep Deprivation
Nudity
Prolonged Exposure to Cold
That's not torture. That's my life! If I'm home alone (Isolated) I'll stay up late naked. I've been known to keep the heat off and/or turn the AC down as well. I cannot believe that is considered torture BY THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION! Bush is supposed to be the one that questions whether Castration is Torture! If I find out waterboarding involved a trip to the beach and a skim board then I'm going to convert to Islam and blow something up. I'd love to "Waterboard Naked" then reap the benefits of being "tortured".
What makes it even worse is that Ms. Crawford firmly believes that this person is a terrorist but we cannot prosecute because he was "Tortured". If that's going to be the case then why don't we just Torture the guy to the point of Death. Then we won't need the trial, problem solved.
I know, there's a lot of tender people out there who think I'm off my rocker and they're right, I am. But you know what? I wouldn't be stuck with the dilemma of having a terrorist I cannot prosecute but also cannot release in good conscience because he is in fact determined to attack this country.
So if you are the President and are sworn to protect the country what do you do? Guantanamo looks like the only option short of killing them where you found them.
I'm going to close with another thing that pisses me off about Arabs. OK, you've got your own alphabet and script, that's fine. You guys, the Chinese, the Koreans, the people who play Dungeons and Dragons are welcome to any alphabet you want. Do me a favor though: When you convert to something the Western world can read, FOLLOW THE FUCKING GRAMMAR RULES. Over here, if there's a Q then it's followed with a U That means Mohammad Al-Qahtani Either needs to be Al-Kahtani or Al-Quatahni. Just like Al-Qaeda is either Al-Kaeda or Al-Quaeda. You're just doing it to piss us off. Why don't you be like the Asians and completely westernize for us. Instead of Jiang Chow Dhang he goes by Joe Dang. See.... We like him, buy lots of stuff from his country and all because he was accomodating. Give a little, get a little. Fuck, these people are driving me Qrazy.
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