My Bank is run by overpaid idiots.

After trying about 15 times throughout this wrecked economy to refinance my house with my bank only to be turned away because I can pay my bills I gave up. I didn't think they could do anything to top the insanity of refinancing only the unemployed and the people who are in over their head.

Today, I found out I was wrong.

Actually, this story goes back to December of 2009. That's apparently when Bank of America decided to merge the Countrywide system into theirs. About mid-month I logged in to check my account and make sure everything was okay. It's a good thing I did because the system told me I had no auto-pay and today was the last day to make a payment without incurring a late fee.

Fast forward about a week and I go to the bank to pull out some cash for Christmas presents. The bank tells me I can have the $100.00 if I am willing to pay $36.00 in fees since I have no money in the account.

WTF is that all about? Hell, my made-friend Luigi the Fish only charges $25.00 and the government gets on him for loan sharking. I tell the bank to pack sand and pull up my account to find THAT BofA DID AN AUTOPAY ON ME IN ADDITION TO THE PAYMENT I MADE MANUALLY!

I noticed that the next due date was 2/1/2010. Being the holiday season when everyone's busy and full of good-cheer, I wrote it off knowing that I can skip next months payment and the invisible auto-pay will pick up in February and we'll all be good.

Wrong. The Invisible auto-pay picked up in January again bringing my account close to the big Donut. Fortunately I see that all of my bills for the month seem to have been paid. I can hold out until next week when I get paid again from work.... wait, what's that? Wonderful... My Child Support Check is still outstanding and there isn't enough to cover it.

Of all the things to be pending. I would rather have a Pending Colonoscopy with a nail ridden broomstick performed by a doctor who is so shakey that people with Parkenson's tell him to relax.

Most people get divorced because they can't stand each other. We got divorced because she's a slop-lipped spawn of satan and they don't allow marriages to satan's children in Georgia. It's worse than Gay marriage apparently.... Something about the pointy tail.

So I have to deal with this. I log into my BofA account, pull up the Contact information and make the call. I get the fancy automated message that lets you talk to it. Of course when you talk to it, no matter how hard you try, you still sound stupid.

They nice unreal lady asks me what I am calling about. So I respond "You fucked up the auto-pay on my Mortgage." Apparently that's not on the menu. My next option was "Representative" which it accepted and, to make things "faster" for me they were going to collect some information. "Do you have your Account Number?" Of course I do, I'm logged into the system so I say "Yes". "Please Say your account number.." Oh fuck... apparently I DON'T HAVE IT. All I see is the last four digits. "Dammit, I thought I had it but I don't". (No, that's not in there either). BofA Automated-Lady will accept my social security number and Zip Code which is enough to get me where I need to go.

So I hold for about 5 minutes. Not bad for the middle of the day. I get a relatively nice representative on the phone as well. I explain what happened and she tells me I'll need to wait until the payment clears then fax all the information over to the "Payment Research Department" who evidently only have a fax number. No problem, it's cleared already, I pull out the details and print them ready to fax.

Then I ask her where in the system I can modify the auto-pay to maybe skip a month or something. I can't. I have to call them to do it. Either that or I have an eternal automated payment setup that I'll never be able to see. Not only that but they don't have any plans on putting it in there. I suspect because the money is in another bank and they want the business but the inconvenience is making me think the flow is going to go in the opposite direction.

OK, then cancel the payment and all future payments. That takes like 5 seconds. (Although I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt that it's actually complete. I won't know until February).

Then I ask if she cancelled the auto-pay on the Home Equity Loan as well. She hasn't and needs the account number to pull that one up. Fine, where in this remarkable new system can I find the account number for this account? "You can't. It only shows the last four digits."

How confident is BofA in their new system that they cannot show you the damn account numbers of the accounts you have with them after you log in through their secure portal? Luckily I still had the Social Security number to fall back on.

So this "New System" has a hidden auto-pay section that I apparently will not ever be able to access. It's also not secure enough to show me the actual account numbers of my accounts. What a fucking upgrade.

Where the hell did all of this bail out/stimulus money go? No, let's just stop here before the Aneurism kicks. I really don't care if it all ends up funding the Obama Presidential Library.